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Delpino MSW Jim is one of our most gifted and expert Love Mentors and who has been in a committed relationship for more than 20 years The topics of creating selflove and improving belief in self are so crucial that we wanted to share his best strategies for you to use in 2011 Hope you enjoy Believe in yourself Although these are simple words actually believing in yourself is extremely difficult for many of us to achieve Even those who appear confident are often covering up or compensating for real or perceived flaws that undermine a belief in the self Thats why different selfhelp gurus and therapists have tried to help with this pervasive issue by offering solutions that boost selfconfidence or raise selfesteem Over my 30 years of practice Ive studied many different approaches So I decided to jot down nine of my favorite strategies that have been the most helpful to my clients and me Many of these techniques can be found in Dr Diana Kirschners new relationship book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love 1 Use Affirmations The use of positive affirmations has been shown to be very helpful whether you are young or old male or female The use of positive affirmations has been shown to be effective crossculturally as well Affirmations are the most effective when they are simple positive statements for example I am capable of overcoming this obstacle I8217ll know what to do in this situation They become more effective when repeated five to ten times per day Consider it a form of reprogramming your inner computerbrain We are designed in such a way that we begin to believe things that we repeat to ourselves Use sticky notes Those little pads of paper with sticky edges are a great tool in improving belief in yourself Consider posting one on your bathroom mirror that says I deserve a good day This is the first thing you will see in the morning and it can set the tempo for a more fruitful day It is also helpful to use these little notes on the refrigerator and even a place at work where you can see this message and be reminded easily Write down all of your negative thoughts and feelings This is a way to build awareness of what negative thoughts are floating around in your mind Negative thoughts can undermine many otherwise good intentions and efforts in life After you have written your negative thoughts down ask yourself is this a fact or a feeling If it is a fact it will not change If it is a feeling remember that all feelings can be and do change Next write down the opposite or positive expression of all the negative thoughts for example I can8217t do this becomes It just feels like I can8217t do this Feelings are known to be wrong many times Make these positive expressions a part of daily affirmations andor write them down on sticky notes as reminders of where to direct your mind Try to believe in your ability to grow Changing a core belief about yourself other people and the world can vastly change the way you experience life A positive shift in core beliefs will enrich your experience of life and bring you more joy This is one of the secrets that happy people use Develop an 8216attitude of gratitude8217 Write down all of the things in life for which you are or could be grateful Include even the very smallest of positive things Keep this list handy for those times when you feel overwhelmed challenged or down Read the list to yourself as a reminder that the current problems of the day do not take away all of those things for which you are grateful Many of the things that stress the self are shortlived problems that resolve themselves over time Practice being grateful for even the smallest positives Your skill at being grateful will improve over time and with practice Write down your concerns of the day When you view each item on the list ask yourself if this concern will be important six months from now You will find that many of these concerns are mental clutter and won8217t be on your mind in six months from now Call or write to someone who is having a tougher time in life than you This helps to take your focus away from your own negative thoughts and feelings and instead puts the focus of yourself outside of you Just listening to a friend who is suffering is a great and valuable service to render You may not know what to say or how to help and that is ok Your friend will not have to be in alone Just being there with a person who is in pain can be a powerful technique Try to be as kind loving and compassionate with yourself as you are with others It is so common to discover that many many kind and loving people are actually very hard on themselves The kindness forgiveness and patience extended to others are not extended to the self There is a myth that being hard on yourself will make you a better person This is simply not true in most cases Being harsh with yourself will cause damage and erode your own sense of goodness or effectiveness Surround yourself with positive people Positive and happy people tend to improve the moods of the people around them If you spend time with happy people you will find that their moods are attitudes are infectious You will also learn some of the tricks and techniques they use to increase selfbelief and add to the sum total of their joy in life We can all benefit and learn from each other in this way Thank you Jim for sharing these wonderful strategies for creating greater selflove And to help you on your journey be sure to take advantage of my offer of a FREE 40minute coaching session from a trained Love Mentor like Jim If you are looking to meet the One or working the Love in 90 Days program you REALLY will want talk to one of my incredible Mentors Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me Most importantly each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want The best news is that we can give you an introductory 40 minute oneonone personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE Just click here or go to httpwwwlovein90dayscomcoaching and get your own personal FREE session Wishing you love Dr Diana Diana Kirschner PhD is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show amp author of the highly acclaimed new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love as well as the bestselling author of Love in 90 Days Dr Dianas revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love Connect with Dr Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletterhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend It all started when you saw him or her looking at the hottie And it went downhill from there You may have made some jabbing accusations started a yelling match sulked or generally made your partner pay You felt justified righteous worried and sure that your partner was in the wrong What you really wanted was reassurance and lovethe glorious unconditional kind Sometimes you got it Sometimes you didnt Sound familiar Most of us have had a few incidents with the greeneyed monster called jealousy And some of us have had more than a few We all know that jealousy can cause painful heartbreak scads of worry outofcontrol outbursts and setbacks in a relationship It can even destroy love But is it possible that jealousy can ever be a good thing in an intimate relationship So here are four dating problem situations along with four pieces of dating advice that will not only moderate spurts of jealousy but might actually work to help you and your couple But before I get to themI want you to take advantage of my free ongoing support You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs how to go from casual to a real commitment how to keep the passion going and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips amp Relationship Advice Newsletter absolutely FREE Click Here to get started now Dating Situation 1 Lets say your partner spends what seems to be an awfully long time laughing at some cuties jokes That worried jealous feeling in your gut can serve to show you that your partner is desirable to you We have a tendency to devalue anyone who wants to be in a club that would have us as a member Plus after awhile of being in a relationship the sparks tend to die down So seeing someone validate your partners attractiveness is a good thing It fans the sparks you still have for your partner That flash of green in your eyes is a sign that you still care about and want him or her The Fix When you feel jealous realize that it is a sign of how much you care for your partner Make a point of being affectionate and caring Tell them just how special and great they are Chances are they will focus even more attention on you and forget about anyone else Dating Situation 2 Hes talking to a hot girl and the waves of insecurities and negative selftalk roll over you until youre practically drowning in them She has such thin thighsmy thighs are fat She is so bubblyand I am boring He is smooth knows what to say I never seem to make her happy The Fix Begin to observe the tickertape of negative beliefs and worries about yourself when you become jealous This is very important because if you notice these ideas you can actually change them Begin a program of modifying your inner dialogue whenever you compare yourself negatively with others As the 12 step programs say Compare and despair Journal about the negative selftalk that jealousy brings up for you For every negative statement write a positive one For example if you write I have ugly acne add a sentence like My eyes are a gorgeous blue This will actually help you rewire your brain circuitry in a positive way Dating Situation 3 If you see your partner paying attention to some wellkept inshape person you may be jealous and angry But also its an opportunity for you to reevaluate your priorities like going to the gym more regularly If you see your partner flirting with a goodlooking gal or guy you may worry that they are headed for the nearest bedroom What do these worries mean about you not your partner The Fix Notice what qualities make you jealous Is it the fact that the other person has a great bod Is it their sensuality Make a plan to work on yourself so that you develop some of those same qualities For example decide to work on your moves in bed instead of letting your partner go wanting in that department Be proactive by renting some sexy movies buying some sexy lingerie or making up a fantasy heshe would enjoy Dating Situation 4 Your partner is paying someone a lot of attention listening attentively or making eye contact You think I need more of that More attention more compliments more affection more sex The Fix Work on making it happen When you are feeling jealous think about what you might need from your partner And use positive and straight talk to ask for it both in and out of bed For example you might say Honey I would love it if you would rub my shoulders and tell me how sexy my neck is If you are feeling loved and grounded in your relationship you are less likely to become jealous If you are fresh from a night of passion and I love you you are the hottie and another person cannot compete Of course some of us have chronic and major struggles with jealousy If you have the same scenario playing out over and over again where anger and fighting keeps erupting you may have a serious problem with the greeneyed monster This often occurs if your partner has cheated on you in the past or if you are terribly insecure about your attractiveness to your partner The type of saga may drag on with one lover after another It results from picking players or people who are not into you or provoking good partners into unfaithfulness with your constant accusations Serious and chronic jealousy is a type of paranoia that destroys love The best fix for that type of problem is to go into love mentoring or individualcouples therapy to work out the deeper issues Wishing you great love in 2011 Dr Diana Diana Kirschner PhD is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show amp author of the highly acclaimed new relationship book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love as well as the bestselling author of Love in 90 Days Dr Dianas revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love Connect with Dr Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletterhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend In my new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love I describe Seven Natural Laws of Attraction These are seven keys that underlie attraction in couples and keep passion and romance alive for many many years One of those seven Laws is this Decide that you are having an ongoing affair with your Beloved Youre wondering what am I talking about Well if you want to set the stage for a winwin sexual relationship that is relatively cheatingproof you must be creative and in a sense the other woman You know the one hes having the affair with Think it sounds crazy Based on many years of experience with clients students and mentees I know that practicing having an affair with him can lead to years of passion if he truly is the One In order to conduct an ongoing affair with your man practice physical touch flirting and sex play In this excerpt we8217ll only look at physical touch Acting like you are having an affair is a powerful relationship enhancer no matter how long you have been together Here is the key principle Ask yourself What would I be doing or saying if right now if we were having an affair Then go for it Whats interesting about having an affair is that the partners are not automatically available to do the deed The lingering touch the sweet nibble on the ear the deep French kiss may or may not go any farther There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine the fallinginlove brain chemical that is synonymous with anticipation excitement and focus on the Beloved Infatuation sizzles Make Physical Contact Sex begins with physical contact In fact couples with great sex lives often are the ones you see holding hands and touching in public As weve discussed physical nonsexual contact creates oxytocin the cuddle bonding and trust hormone In order to amplify this even more if he is receptive hold hands kiss or stroke his face His hands lips and face are all highly touchsensitive areas Gazing into his eyes also releases oxytocin and is an extremely powerful bonding move In one study strangers shared intimate details about themselves and then stared into each others eye for four minutes Many reported being extremely attracted to each other One couple in the study actually got married Trace the outline of his bicep with your finger or give him a mini massage on his neck and shoulders Find out what kind of touch he enjoys stronger softer or in between You both will feel great as the oxytocin works its magic On the other hand many men dont like to be touched unless its on the playing field why do they slap each others butts or in the sack Yet they crave contact with us And its often communicated in a strange way Heres a brief excerpt from an actual therapy session with a couple where the touchingversusnottouching issue was threatening to destroy the relationship She Greg never touches me unless its sexual He Im not a touchyfeely guy but I love to be with you She You sure have a funny way of showing it He Doc we were watching a TV show last night and were sitting together on the couch She Tell her how you started a fight He Well it was nice and cozy and then Ellen left the room and just disappeared She It didnt seem to matter whether I was there or not You werent paying me any attention He What are you kidding I was really upset that you left Okay What is this man saying that she missed Translation I want to be in your space your presence because it feels like home Now obviously he needed to demonstrate more physical affection but that was easy to achieve once Ellen got how much Greg loved being around her She learned to be specific about the kind of touch she needed from Greg The key is to ask for it in a positive and validating way as in I really love it when you put your arm around me play with my hair while I lie in your lap rub my backfill in the blank So from that day on when they watched their favorite shows or movies she would curl up on him and he would touch her till she was purring They even had more fun in bed To learn more about the Natural Laws of Attraction be sure to order Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love Wishing you love Dr Diana Diana Kirschner PhD is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show amp author of the highly acclaimed new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love February 2011 as well as the bestselling author of Love in 90 Days Dr Dianas revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love Connect with Dr Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletterhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend This is it you vow I am ready to have a real relationship With a nice guy A good guy Like Allen from your last job who was crazy about you The guy who wanted to go out with you but you blew off 8211and now he is married with three cute little kids You are done with players elusive hotties the ones who come on strong and disappear cheaters and allaround heartbreakers You are sick of being disappointed hurt betrayed furious and depressed Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears You know that choosing from this pool of nice types will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you scoundrels who betray you or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem You are ready for a partner who is your best friend But there is one hitch You just dont feel it with the nice guys No chemistry No tingle where it counts No adrenaline rush when he looks into your eyes There is this one guy you met online the paunchy one He is a great guy successful giving crazy about you and even has nice eyes you think But there is no spark Are you doomed because of some weird neurological wiring and biochemistry to only be drawn to those you cant have Answer No youre not Ive worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma And now they are married to great guys Whats their secret Here are six relationship tips from my new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentor8217s Guide to Lasting Love that you can use to join the lucky ranks of women who overcame their initial lack of attraction and fell in love with terrific guys 1 Remember to give him a real chance Even if he is balding paunchy nerdy or is not particularly attractive In fact you want to date against type Be honest with yourself Has dating your type gotten you anywhere Even if you are not exactly blown away on the first date remember to stay open Go for at least a second or third date You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides If there is any connection with this person at all give it another chance Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat Practice my Opening Possibility Exercises Now OPEN If a guy seems crazy about you is willing to grow and is a good guy8211use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there First think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes As you interact you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection Use affirmations before each date I have fun with this man I see the hidden possibilities in his name This man is a present for my enjoyment More will be revealed about this person I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man I find chemistry with his name Go on dates that are exciting novel and get the adrenaline pumping Novel experiences can stimulate adrenaline and give you a rush while exciting dates produce dopamine the brain chemical of love Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park rock climbing at your gym take a helicopter ride try hiking on a high winding trail or windsurfing make a mad dash to catch sunset at the beach scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused whether by joy fear or any feeling fall in love more easily As two love researchers once wrote Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder See him in his element Plan a date around skiing a performance of his rock band a winetasting event or whatever he excels at You will catch sides of him you havent seen before His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings Try turning yourself on first Go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes Flirt with him get touchyfeely whisper in his ear and maybe kiss him If he suddenly comes back with some sensual moves your chemistry experiment may prove to be a sparkling success Remember that love almost always comes in a surprise package most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich balding lawyer One of my love mentees who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney lookalike he was married later created a gem of a marriage with a short plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life So practice these six relationship tips and your love life will make a 180 turn Diana Kirschner PhD is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show amp author of the highly acclaimed new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love February 2011 as well as the bestselling author of Love in 90 Days Dr Dianas revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love Connect with Dr Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter http://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend When Prince William joined the army he split up with Kate Middleton Undoubtedly this was an excruciatingly painful challenge for her A public rejection during which time the William was seen with a number of gorgeous young women Yet in an E interview she reported that the breakup actually made her stronger What did Kate do when her Prince left her Did she sulk whine or use her very public platform to attack or criticize him Did she act out in some crazy way Did she get depressed blame herself and withdraw socially No What she did was glam herself up and went right out on her own She attended great parties and got photographed looking gorgeous while chatting up other guys After only ten weeks of her doingwellisthebestrevenge strategy Kate was back with her Prince And at that time according to reporters he made her a promise that they would be married He asked her to please be patient with him So there are three lessons to be learned here about commitment and men And they are all detailed and more in my new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentor8217s Guide to Lasting Love available at amazoncom and bncom First men love women who have their own independence They are attracted to clever and confident women who know that they have a lot to offer or at least act like they do They are more attracted to women who have their own lives And less attractive to women who are needy clingy or fall apart at the drop of a hat Clinging behaviors almost guarantee that he will feel smothered and then become emotionally distant and pull away Second the more a woman has her own world of friends and hobbies and interests the more magnetic she becomes Its because her partner does not feel smothered in the relationship He does not have to be her constant savior caretaker providerher whole world She is not whiny being overly dramatic or constantly needing his care and attention She is not jealous and possessive and having to monitor everything he does In short she is not smothering him and driving him away Finally Kates independence made it seem that she could happily leave the prince And potential loss is one of the most powerful natural attractors of all The woman is not in the bag taking any and all acts of abandonment mistreatment or abuse because she feels she has to The notion that she could leave fosters his appreciation that its a gift being in a relationship with her When his Beloved is independent and spending time away he gets to experience missing her and being the one who longs to be together It is when something feels like it could be lost that we truly experience the miracle of having it So if you are in a position of wanting your man to draw closer and choose you get in action get your glam on and show him how great you could do without him To learn more about how to find and get your prince I invite you to become a regular reader of my relationship advice newsletter by Clicking Here Wishing you love Dr Diana Diana Kirschner PhD is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show amp author of the highly acclaimed new book Sealing the Deal The Love Mentors Guide to Lasting Love February 2011 as well as the bestselling author of Love in 90 Days Dr Dianas revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love Connect with Dr Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter http://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend A horse drawn carriage and delicate French food may sound like a great February 14th to you but odds are that kind of thing wont rate high on his funmeter Doesnt mean you should sacrifice the romance Here are fun sexy activities that youll both gehttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend This pose provides lots of fab friction for you and a tantalizingly tight squeeze for himhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend When I arrived at Bens after work today he looked downright miserable Whats wrong I askedhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend Both of you can watch the action in this youontop positionhttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend Most men dont expect to get anything well except for this on February 14th But surprise him with something sweet and totally unsappy and youll win major pointshttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend Most guys are not shy about letting a woman know when theyre reading for action But men tell us all the time that there are few things hotter than a woman who initiates a hookup So learn to read his inthemood signalshttp://www.cootopia.com/n/How-to-break-up-with-boyfriend